if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
