I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
My hand turned me down
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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