I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
