Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
