woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
