sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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