I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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