ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
