no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
This is the high leading the old right now
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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