Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
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We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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