I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
