just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
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