Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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