This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
