thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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