my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
