Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
