I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
