My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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