Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
