My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
