I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
