remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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