Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
