I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Randomize
