Me too!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
