I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Panties = found
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