First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
