Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
