I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
