i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
