my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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