thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
