a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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