I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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