i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
