my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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