i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
