a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
