So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Randomize
