You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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