I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
