theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
