just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
