He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
