textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
