that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
As shirtless as possible
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
