checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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