Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
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If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
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Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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