so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
