My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Hippo gnu deer
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
