My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
