When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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