Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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