I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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