The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
