Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
